Long explanation. Bear with me.
I have resurrected this blog for what I believe is a good and noble purpose, but bear with me, as this will run long.  It's not edited, IS rambling, and is a product of a revelation and a long night of feeling very, very powerless. Phrases like "cease and desist" are a little scary, so I will also stick to factual statements.

Here is how it went down. 

Context
You all know that Trav spent 30 months at the American Boychoir School from 1988-90 afraid to sleep because of the sex abuse he saw, heard, feared, or experienced at the staff, teacher, trustee, and student levels.  When Trav chose this public approach, I initially wrote about it here, for The Atlantic. He began drinking coffee at age 11 to stay awake at night.

So imagine our family's reaction when we learned about "Boychoir," the film. 

We learned A LOT about it. 

Sample Praise
9/20/2014
Variety
"thanks to the exceptional musical talents of the American Boychoir School"

9/5/2014
The Hollywood Reporter
"Yet somehow the school principal (Winger) recognizes his genius for singing (there’s no indication how) and arranges for the touring American Boychoir to visit their poor Texas school, with an eye to getting him an audition at the elite East Coast institution."

9/6/2014
The Telegraph
"Stet's estranged father (Josh Lucas) has his own family, so a proactive Texan headmistress (Debra Winger) suggests they pack him off to the American Boychoir School in New Jersey, where his sonorous treble voice can be honed."

3/4/2014
NJ.com
"A turn of events worthy of a Hollywood fairy tale will transform the American Boychoir School and one of its young students into movie stars by late fall.
The renowned music school for fourth- to eighth-grade boys is the inspiration for “Boychoir,” an independent film starring Oscar winners Dustin Hoffman and Kathy Bates and written by Lawrence-raised Ben Ripley, who is said to have a friend who attended the school.
Scheduled for release later this year, the music-themed, “feel-good” drama will feature...members of the American Boychoir; and Fernando Malvar-Ruiz, a Lawrence resident who serves as Litton-Lodal music director of the American Boychoir and will be music director of the movie."

2/24/2014
Chorus America
"The world-renowned American Boychoir, based in Princeton, New Jersey, will be the feature of the movie “Boychoir,” starring Academy Award®-winner Dustin Hoffman and directed by François Girard, of the Academy Award®-winning film “The Red Violin." Girard said of the American Boychoir, “These boys’ voices soar with this rare, unearthly ability for only a few years of their young lives, then their voices transform, a gift seemingly lost,” Girard told Variety."

10/25/2014
The Morning Call
"The American Boychoir is traveling pretty fast these days, if not at the speed of light, than at least at the speed of stars — stars such as Dustin Hoffman and Kathy Bates. They are the leading luminaries in the film "Boychoir," directed by Academy Award-winning film director Francois Girard, and set for a national release in 2015. The movie, about a troubled boy from Texas who attends the American Boychoir School in Princeton, N.J., received rave reviews at its Sept. 6 premiere at the Toronto Film Festival.

10/30/2013
The Wrap
"Singers from the renowned American Boychoir School, one of the world’s most prestigious boy choirs, will be featured in the film, 

​March 14, 2013
NBC Connecticut
"NJ.com reports that the story was inspired by American Boychoir School, a school founded in Columbus, Ohio in 1937, which has been located in Princeton, New Jersey since 1950."

Our response
"What's next?" Trav asked. "Penn State: the musical?"

So, I wrote about the experience here, for Salon.  I also wrote to a group of industry professionals, requesting a conversation about the decision to make a movie that glamorizes an institution with a longstanding reputation for ignoring child sex abuse perpetuated within that institution.

You can read about the history here, or here, and most recently from 2014, here.

It is not news. At one point, the American Boychoir argued that 12 year olds could consent to sex.

That's when I received a cease and desist letter from the film company's legal representation.
Connecting the two entities--the American Boychoir School and the film "Boychoir" was, and I am quoting from the letter, "irrational."

Irrational.  Scroll through the (abbreviated)  list of public praise listed above one more time, and then let that one sink in.

While the film did well overseas, it experienced limited release in the United States. You can read about it here, "Boychoir Quietly Dumped."

All was well, right?
Except for now.  Last night my family learned that "Hear My Song" will air on CBS on Saturday, April 16. Does this movie sound familiar? It should.

While I appreciate any re-branding efforts, particularly removing the American Boychoir logos and choral images from the promotional material, this film still glamorizes the American Boychoir School. It still acts as a powerful, powerful recruitment tool.  It celebrates an institution that has yet to take responsibility for the victims who spent time in its care.

Feedback
The feedback my family has received has been overwhelmingly supportive and positive, with hundreds of people reaching out to say some version of "me, too" or "thank you."

The exception has been some people affiliated with the American Boychoir School.  That general, negative messaging has been some version of, "I'm sorry this happened, but,"

I'm sorry this happened, but:

1) It happened so long ago.
2) It affected a relatively small number of boys.
3) The current students are safe now.
4) Can't you just get over it?

Answering these questions is relatively easy, and Trav and I do so with questions of our own:

1) What is the suggested, exact date for when child rape stops mattering?
2) How many boys must be raped for it to concern you? Alumni estimate 1 in 5, well into the 1990s.
3) Are they? Trav's parents believed that, too. But, again, how does any of this impact resources for the actual victims?
4) No.

Those questions also miss the point.  The real question is, "How has the American Boychoir School addressed the victims of sexual violence perpetuated while in their care?"

Right now, they are planning to watch a movie that celebrates themselves.

Next Steps
If your reaction, like mine, is "WTF," you can soon read about my response here on Facebook.

Seriously, if this was your son or husband, what would you do?  

​Families who have a positive experience with the school will celebrate this film.

​My family will not.

Blogs and websites, especially mine, tend to languish in the busy season.  In my world, especially lately, it's been a constant busy season. 

That noted, I want to speak openly about all the support my husband and I have received since the essay in The Atlantic was published late last summer.  Thank you.  Thank you for the positive notes and for sharing your own personal stories.  Nine months later, I still receive at least one email weekly, and that's proving that this story did what we wanted it to do.

Since the essay ran (and my husband's most private experience was made public), his healing has been exponential.  Releasing this secret--however frightening--has helped his mindset, his creativity, and his outlook.

It was, as we say in our household, a big fucking deal.

After the essay ran, the two of us hit the road on a month-long "escape the Maine winter" exploration of the Deep South.  We ate biscuits every day, found bits of hidden Americana, and listened to some outstanding music.  We also saw 2,700 alligators. (There was a voodoo priestess, my weight in beignets, an old plantation, a nutria rat, and a pod of dolphins, too.)

The best outcome, however, was the inspiration for my husband's latest album.  As you likely know, he is a full-time professional musician. 

"The Roadhouse Gospel Hour" is a direct result of Trav's healing process, and although the title suggests a level of church-based Christianity, it's really more about the spirit and sensibility of that Depression-era, Carter Family-style, Americana blues.  Or, as I like to say, it's music for sinners who prefer to sleep late on Sunday mornings.

It's a 45-minute space to set your troubles down.

If you plan to be in the Cornish, Maine area on June 22 at 7 pm, you are invited to a CD Release Concert and Party at Friendly River Music.  John and Charlene have generously made their barn performance space available, and the acoustics and atmosphere are outstanding.  ($5 suggested donation to benefit the Across the River Collaborative for Maine youth, and a percentage of CD sales will benefit the Houlton Humane Society.)

If attending the concert isn't an option, the next best thing is the CD itself.  As of June 1, The Roadhouse Gospel Hour is available via iTunes and CDBaby, and Trav would be delighted to sell you a copy at any of his regular shows.

He's proud of this effort, and so am I.  So very, very proud.

In the track, "Run on a long time," when he sings "what's done in the dark will be brought to the light" with such vocal force and conviction, you believe it.

"I found a lump in your breast" was almost (but not quite) as unsettling this past spring as my doctor's followup. "And I want you to have a mammogram right now."  She walked me to the mammogram side of the building herself, and because it was all such new information to process, I made small talk during the walk, not really grasping the situation.  "Most of these lumps are nothing to worry about," she said.

Mine was.

At least, at first.  Now that I look back, it was all just routine procedure, but at the time?  At the time, a co-worker had just been diagnosed.  Two classmates of mine were survivors.  Another friend wrote a book about her experience.  So, when my mammogram showed a particularly obnoxious little mass, I was scared. 

In the span of a week, I had my first mammogram, my second mammogram, and my first trip to the cancer treatment center for the ultrasound.  Again, these experiences were mild.  I don't want to diminish anyone else's actual diagnosis or treatment.  I was scared for a week.  In the scheme of things, that is no big deal.

But at the time?  Yikes.

No matter how pleasant and soothing a cancer center is designed to be, there is some bad juju in those places.  Even after being greeted by the nicest possible reception volunteer and noting both the natural light and high ceilings, I walked the length of the hallway with a sick sort of resignation.

The room was waiting for me.  Top off, lie down, cover breasts with the towel were the instructions.

I looked around, and this button immediately unnerved me.  It was big, paperback-sized, and reads "PUSH for HELP."

I have a very vivid imagination, and I began that strange spiral that happens when you imagine all possible scenarios for what might constitute a need for the big, red alarm button.  

To calm myself from the many possibilities for emergency, I stared at the ceiling.

And then I took photos of my shoes and wondered what other people wore to their appointments.  I wondered if jeans were too casual, and then tried to isolate when, exactly, women shifted into regular jeans-wearing and if there was a book available that traced the history of dungarees.

Then I took photos of myself, trying to document the emotion. 

That's when the doctor walked in.  I wanted to ask her about her experience with the big red panic button, and the typical dress code for breast exams, and if she could remember the first time she ever wore blue jeans, but instead when she asked how I was doing, I said, "okay."

She used this machine to get an insider's view of my breast.

The whole experience was over in less than two minutes, and as she studied the image on the screen, I braced myself for bad news.  In the week leading up to this moment, I'd planned for the worst.  My life, a charmed one, seemed destined for a big dip. 

That's when she told me I would get the official results in the mail, but after seeing the images, she was not concerned.  There was some formal language about monitoring the lump annually and watching for changes, but for now, there was nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about.  As promised, my letter arrived in the mail the following week.

I am among the extraordinarily lucky ones.  Please, ladies, get yourself checked. 

In an effort to lighten the mood a bit, here is a piece about tattooing in Maine that's been a very, very long time in the making.  If I was responsible for the art direction, I would have highlighted (in addition to the fab Phuc Tran and Chris Dingwell), the work of Danielle Madore at Sanctuary Tattoo and Tom Murphy at Tom's Terrific Tattoos.

There's some neat stuff happening in Maine's tattoo community. Click here for my Modern Love essay that inspired my interest.


Challenge:  Study your community for any unique or unusual subcultures.  Resolve to learn more about them.

Because there is no clear social script for our friends and family, I offer this on my husband's behalf. 

He appreciates concern, but rather than express that emotion with sympathetic hugs, well-intended notes, or your own personal story (especially when he's performing)--his hope is that you will show that love and support by adding a higher level of vigilance and commitment to protecting the little ones in your own circles.

That was his intent for sharing this aspect of his life.

And now, here is my piece for The Atlantic.  It's part of a larger dialogue about pedophilia in our culture, and it's an important discussion to have.

Then, I bought oysters.  I picked the tightest, cleanest shells I could find.  Although I transported them in an ice-filled bag, I removed the ice when I got home.  Oysters are living creatures, and they do just fine in a loose paper bag in the fridge.

Then I researched mignonette.  Turns out, it's basically shallot, vinegar, and pepper.  Sugar, too.  I substituted sweet onions for shallots.  Interesting fun fact:  Acidic tastes, like lemon or vinegar temper salty tastes.  It's why mignonette or lemon is a great oyster pairing.

And then the cocktail sauce.  For this, I am a purist.  Tomato ketchup and fresh horseradish.  Mmm.

And then, the moment of truth.  I'd like to say that I grasped oyster shucking expertly on the first try, but that's not true.  It's not rocket science, but it does take a bit of practice.  There's a curved side to the oyster and a flat side to the oyster.  Fold a dishtowel around the oyster, with its curved side down.  (This creates a little bucket to slurp from, and it gives a space for the oyster liquor.)  Wrap the dishtowel tightly, so only the hinged part of the oyster is visible.  Brace the wrapped oyster against the counter, insert the knife into the joint, and just start wiggling it around.  It's okay if some of the shell chips.

Eventually, the oyster will open.

And then this happens.

Enjoy!

Challenge:  What sounds too difficult to tackle in your own life?  Why?

It's been a few weeks, and I am still thinking about a kind gesture.  A friend had been poking through an estate sale and found this, a promotional key chain advertising my father's business, circa 1976. She mailed it to me, and when it fell from the envelope into my lap, I was surprised at the aspects I noticed. 

In addition to learning that Ritepoint was a US-based company, I also remembered the difficulty of breaking apart the keychain's two pieces.  I was maybe 3 or 4 years old, and I lacked the finger power to press the pieces apart. I'd picked one from the box on the shop countertop, and the pieces were too stiff for my tiny hands.

I remember feeling very frustrated.

Now, I can easily detach the pieces, and as I fiddled with the two sections in my living room, snapping them together and pulling them apart, it seemed very strange to suddenly have a clear memory where moments before, there was none.  But, there it was. I recalled the shop's interior--the smell of oil and the clutter of small engine parts.  I remembered balancing on my knees atop a stool, and I remembered reaching for the keychains in the box.   Someone, likely my mother or father, showed me how the key chain worked, but despite my best efforts, I recall the tears at not being able to do it myself.

There's a lesson here.  Several, actually.

1) A random kindness can significantly alter a person's perspective.
2) Memory is a spongy, flexible thing.
3) Frustration has a way of resolving itself with time.

Challenge:  Think of something unexpected and kind to do for someone.  Do it.  See what happens.